Emmett Cullen and the Billy Black Hamster
by ardeeneethesardeenee
Summary: That moment when emmett becomes a hamster, buys switzerland and Billy is obsessed wth jacobs rodents. rated t for language.
1. Chapter 1

**I have no idea what this is. I was bored, and this killed ten minutes.**

**I dont own twilight, although im not sure this _is_ twilight...**

"Emmet, we have some bad news for you. after doing some DNA tests, we have discovered that you are not a vampire. i'm sorry." Carlisle broke emmetts heart with that announcement.

"Then what am i?" Emmett wondered. "What is my true identity? Batman!" emmett got up off the examination table and began jumping off the furniture. Esme was unimpressed.

three days later, Rosalie returned from court. She had gone to defend Emmett, because he had recently purchased Switzerland.

"Èmmett if you ever but a country again i will hang you from your earlobes off the top of the CN tower in toronto" she screamed as she entered the house.

"At least you are a vampire!" he whined back at her, tears pricking his ees, but not overflowing because that was impossible for vampires. that was impossible for vampires, not emmett. he starting bawling like a fountain, the tears leaking like in a cartoon.

"Bwahhhhh rosie poo save me!" with that he took off and climbed onto the roof. Except he wasnt spider man.

"Whats his poblem? i mean besides Switzerland. Oh lord, tell me he didnt purchase Swaziland just because they sound similar. I dont have a good history with them, especially after the thing in the sixties..." rose asked Edward and Alice who were entertaining Jasper's pet rock.

"He hasnt purchased a country yet, however French Guiana is pending as of three thirty this afternoon." Edward informed her.

"What the hell? where even is that?"

"South america."

"God dammit."

"Exactly my thoughts."

"Emmett!"

"Rosieeeee! i fell off the roof. it hurt!"

"Your a vampire! get up!" She yelled, scared shitless

"Thats waht i tried to tell you before! i'm not a vampire anymore! they dont kow what i am!"

"What does that even mean!"

"Rosalie, i have bad news for you." Carlisle said from the top of the piano where he was medditating.

"Emmett is no longer a Vampire. I found some dead hamsters in his room, drained of blood. Rosalie, Emmett has turned into a were-hamster."

_i wok with a start to the sound of someone or other howling. good god i needed to invest in earplugs. Maybe get them inscribed with Billy Black, my name. _

_and i also needed to stop eating the hamster food. stupid jacob, buying me a hamster. I checked on Jimmy Mcmuffins, and snatched a handful of mix from the food bag before rolling over and gnawing on my wooden chew toy. i fell back asleep thinking about murder._


	2. Chapter 2

_**once again, this belongd to Stephenie meyer, if it can be considered twilight. wither way it was amusing to write and it killed an hour during which i could have been studying for various exams. eh. screw it.**_

Rosalie looked at the paper as if it were going to bite her. Although, even if the paper was a vampire it wouldn't have an effect of her because she was already a vampire too. But she needed to keep it away from Emmett. He had recently lost his vampireness to a hamster named Barnaby.

This was after he bought Switzerland.

And after it was discovered that Billy black was also a hamster. Since that day, thirty million people across the United States of America had been diagnosed with Spontaneous Hamster Syndrome. SHS for short.

Rosalie had an awful feeling that Bella was next.

Rosalie knew this because she knew the hamster changing everyone. It was a friend of hers; one of the nomads in Switzerland. Because Emmett had purchased Switzerland, this Vamster wanted to create revenge over Emmett's country. And now the USA was hamster infested.

"Rosie! Oh Rosie poo! You'll never guess what I just did!" Emmett called from the illegal internet room.

Oh lord.

Rosalie made her way up the stairs regretting ever mentioned Swaziland.

On the eights step she came across Alice. Alice balanced on her head, holding a book in her face, a book written in Uzbek.

"Alice, what are you doing?"

"Trying to achieve bliss by figuring out how to make myself the honorary prime minister of Canada."

"In Uzbek?"

"It makes it more rewarding. I can speak over forty languages rose, I need entertainment."

Why, oh why do I always ask?

And what could that annoying sound be?

Rosalie decided to deal with Emmett first and learned that he had just signed a deal buying them the Toronto Maple Leafs.

"What the hell are we going to do with the worst team in the National Hockey League hammie boy?"

"I didn't actually think of that… maybe sell them for a profit?"

"Who is stupid enough to buy them?"

"Uhh, Rosie? I bought them…"

"Which only backs up my point."

Rosalie left Emmett to his own devices and sought out Bella.

"Bella! I swear, you and me are the only sane ones here. Let's go hunting."

So Bella and Rosalie went hunting, and Bella, instead of biting into a deer, she began nibbling on a wooden plank.

And thus, Bella was the next Cullen consumed by SHS.

Billy woke up drenched in sweat. Again with the nightmares. He looked at the hamster on the table beside him, and made a decision. He didn't bother getting dressed, because it was close to five in the evening and he would already be going back to bed in six hours. Why bother? He loaded himself into his wheelchair and put the hamster cage on his lap. He wheeled himself the half hour it took to the La Push Humane Society.

"_I don't want this hamster. It was my sons before he moved out and it gives me nightmares. His name is Taylor Lautner. He was named after my sons man crush. Please, put me out of my misery."_

_The lady at the front desk looked terrified. Probably due to my lack of clothes Billy thought, looking down at his boxers. They had purple dogs wearing top hats and dancing with canes on them. Rachel and Rebecca had given them to him back when they were three._

_Billy left the hamster there and went back to his bed where he cuddled up with his latest chew toy and nibbled until he fell asleep._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Alright. enough of this story. but i cant seem to not write it. it's addictive. i've said it before and i'll say it again, if you can actually classify this as a twilight fanfic, the characters and rights go to Stephenie Meyer. not me. i just like making her characters act in a way that makes people feel awkward about themselves.** _

The entire Cullen family, all but Carlisle sat in front of the 134 inch television set in the Cullen basement. Rosalie had decided to be pleasant and allow the wolves to join them this time. They watched Hamtaro, trying their best to make Emmett and Bella feel better about their hamster issues.

"I've done it! I've done it, I've done it, I've done it, I've done it!" Carlisle skipped merrily down the stairs holding a small test tube filled with the smallest amount of a clear liquid.

"What is that you've done Carlisle?" Esme wondered as she flipped through an interior design magazine.

"In my attempt to research why Emmett and Bella are screwy in their vampiness, I have genetically altered Paul's pants."

"You did what now?" Paul asked giving Carlisle a scared look.

"I messed around with your pants and made it possible for them to poof in and out of existence when you make wolfy." Carlisle explained.

Everyone looked to Paul to discover that he was, in fact, pant less.

"When the hell did this happen? I don't remember taking off my pants!" Paul cried, covering himself up with a throw pillow. Rosalie muttered something about having to burn the pillow now.

"What do Paul's pants have to do with my being a Vampster?" Bella wondered, taking a break from nibbling on her wooden chew toy. She and Emmett had to continuously have something to gnaw, or else they would chew Esme's furniture. They discovered this the hard way, when Bella made chew marks on Esme's Armenian coffee table.

"Why do vampires even need coffee tables? We don't drink coffee!" Bella tried reasoning.

Esme was less than impressed.

She was even less than less than impressed to discover that Emmett had also managed to purchase Canada.

"They are the true north strong and _not_ free! Ha! Boy was Stephen Harper confused to walk into his office and see me sitting in his swivel chair, drinking his coffee, -which Bella a is totally right about. It's nasty- and bossing around the painters that were turning his office a lovely shade of bright chartreuse." Emmett giggled as he explained his latest ideas.

Back to Paul's pants, or rather, lack thereof. Edward went upstairs to locate an old pair of Emmett's shorts from 2009, a pair that Alice no longer permitted him to wear. When Edward returned, Alice gave a small squeak; even werewolves wearing old clothes disgusted her.

"Carlisle, you really ought to be fixing the hamster epidemic! Play with Paul's pants at a more appropriate time!" Esme chastised him.

Billy black awoke with a start. Again. He stared at the hamster Jacob had brought home this week, this one called Mr. Fozz. He decided he needed to have a talk with the people at the pet store about not letting Jacob have any more.

_And then he remembered that he also dreamed about Paul Lahote, without pants. He wondered where that came from, before he remembered that three days earlier he wheeled himself in on Rachel and Paul getting jiggy with it._

_Bad memories Billy, don't remember them! Billy dressed himself, something he had been doing since his childhood, and took Mr. Fozz to the humane society. He wanted to let this hamster live to see a new family. It was better than eating it. He didn't like the taste of Syrians. The lady at the front desk sighed when Billy left the hammy on the desk. She had noticed Billy was once again wearing his pants backwards. Something else he had been doing since his childhood._


	4. Chapter 4

**This is what happens when i am left home sick for a day. I never get sick. ever. but when i do, bad things happen. maybe an update for a real story this week. maybe friday? someone PM me to remind me. **

**twilight belongs to stephenie meyer. i am just using her characters in ways that make people feel awkward about who they are on the inside.**

**review?**

The Cullens were visiting Stephen Harper in the asylum. He had been admitted there after he saw Emmett being Emmett at his desk. The shade of chartreuse Emmett selected to paint the office sent him over the edge and he had been there ever since. It was a grueling three days.

There was one Cullen not it attendance to visit Mr. Harper.

Edward was in Australia, persuading the government not to sell themselves to Emmett. It was going rather unsuccessfully because he kept thinking about Bella and how stunning she looked wearing nothing while chewing on a wood stick.

Back in Canada, the people were impressed with Emmett's skills as a ruler. Evidently, without even knowing it, he had improved their economy to be better that it had been since it was ruled by hippies. "King Emmett" could commonly be heard by chanters in the streets.

Carlisle was sad to cut the visit short; he very much liked talking to the ex-Canadian Prime Minister. But he had things to do back in Forks. He had been told to uncover the truth behind Emmett and Bella being hamster mutations, but had discovered many other things instead.

For one, he genetically altered Paul's pants. He also managed to make a watermelon the size of Esme in his laboratory. He had also succeeded in making his left middle finger nail grow three billionths of a millimetre.

When they returned from Canada, Carlisle sat down at his desk and pulled out his notes on the hamster anatomy.

"Rodent" he said to himself.

He began to write ideas beside rodent.

"Mouse, rat, hamster… louse?" Carlisle was amused at the Dr. Suess sound of mouse and louse, so he wrote a short verse about the situation.

Vampire goes squeak

_Hamster goes squeak_

_Pig goes oink_

_Vampire goes squeak?_

After rereading his first line, he realised he had hit a breakthrough.

He began compiling a list of things that happened.

Emmett eats hamster blood, he becomes a hamster

Edward eats deer blood he is a sweetheart

Esme eats a rabbit, she has good luck

Jasper eats a mountain lion, he becomes vicious.

Carlisle was impressed with his new theory, that which drew the conclusion of "you are what you eat."

"You are what you eat!" he said out loud, getting up and skipping to the theatre room, where once again he found his family watching the Teletubbies.

"FAMILY! ALL HALT!" Everyone froze, even the teletubby on the TV. Alice had pressed pause.

"You are what you eat. Therefore, Bella and Emmett have hamster blood in their systems. When that is gone, they shall return to being vampires. And also, why would y'all eat hamsters?"

"I was visiting Charlie one night. He had acquired some from Billy, and wanted them gone. So I brought them home and Emmett and I ate them. Then we left the carcases on the floor to rot."

The family came to the conclusion that there would be no more hamster consumption, ever.

Edward arrived home from Swaziland then. He hopped down the stairs to join his family. He stood in a boxing stance and asked, "What did I miss while I was down under?"

"Oh no! Edward ate a kangaroo!" Carlisle groaned.

There would be no more hamster consumption, but now there was a kangaroo problem.

Billy rolled by the closed pet store. He acknowledged that it was his fault they closed. Since he no longer allowed them to sell Hamsters to Jacob, they had gone out of business. That made Billy wonder just how many hamsters Jacob had been buying.

The pet store would be turning into a sports bar, for which Billy was happy. He and Charlie would be able to go out on their man outings there. Less awkward than knowing Bella could be nearby in her vampiness.

There would be no more adventures in the pet store.

Billy continued his early evening roll down the street. He found himself at the local humane society, which was apparently crawling with hamsters. He foresaw many adventures there in the future, perhaps even volunteering. He really did like those little fuzzy guys.


End file.
